My guest today is Dr. Charley Ferrer, a world renowned Clinical Sexologist, Radio/TV Producer, and award-winning author of eight books on sexuality and self-empowerment. She also has two new books out—BDSM The Naked Truth and, of special interest to the writers among us, BDSM For Writers.
I first met Dr. Charley online at Savvy Authors and—in my capacity as editor of RWNZ’s professional magazine, Heart To Heart—asked her if she’d write an article for us on Erotica. She very graciously agreed, we corresponded back and forth a few times, she wrote another article for us discussing BDSM and dialogue, and the rest is history.
One of the things I’ve appreciated very much about Dr. Charley is her positive attitude to being questioned. Nothing seems to be too stupid to ask (and trust me, I’ve asked some doozies) which is great because, for a lot of us, the subject of sex—in any of its incarnations—isn’t the easiest thing to discuss in detail. In fact, most of my non-writing acquaintances would have kittens if they knew I could even spell BDSM. But just because I live the “vanilla” life—and have been happily married to the same man for almost thirty-two years—doesn’t mean that every character I write is going to have the same outlook on sex or relationships.
Nor should it. Our heroes, heroines, and villains need to be real people with varied ideologies, backgrounds, needs, desires, and arcs for growth and change.
Dr. Charley’s books BDSM For Writers and BDSM: The Naked Truth are both excellent sources for research that can help us craft edgy sex scenes that don’t read like a sex manual or a contortionist’s handbook; ones that read “real” to people who are into the “leather” lifestyle; ones that don’t make us, the writers, look like a half-wits because we got so lost in the “what” and “how” of a scene we forgot to cover the “why”.
Welcome, Dr. Charley. It’s lovely to have you here.
How did you get into your field of work, and become first a sex therapist and second, an expert in BDSM?
I “officially” discovered the BDSM Lifestyle while I was working on my Masters in Counseling Psychology. I took a course in Sex Therapy and had to treat a couple suffering from some form of sexual dysfunction. The man in my couple had been suffering from impotency problems for the past six months, which stemmed from his desire to spank his girlfriend and the feelings of guilt associated with his desire. When I asked the girlfriend if she had a problem receiving a spanking, she immediately said, “I’d love it!” So I gave them permission to explore. He called me the follow day to share that his impotency problem was over and they were taking a week off to enjoy themselves. I was so proud of myself. My first patients cured in one-session. Yahoo!
When I returned to class to share my amazing accomplishment, my fellow classmates were appalled that I would “sanction” such behavior.
It was at that point the philosophy for my Private Practice was born, since I believe that as a therapist it’s not my place to “judge” my patients but to help them learn and explore the endless possibilities available for their sexuality, and let them decide for themselves.
I subsequently went on to learn more about sex, and obtained a Doctorate in Human Sexuality, a Clinical Sexologist Certification, an Erotologist Certification, and Sex Educator degree. I’m now the only Latina Doctor of Human Sexuality in the United States and at the top of my field.
In 2005, I created the Dominance and Submission Therapeutic Mentoring Model and presented it before the World Congress of Sexology and the International Congress of Sexologist & Medical Physicians in Latin America.
For the past fifteen years, I’ve created and taught various workshops incorporating aspects of BDSM, Hypnosis, self-empowerment, and sensual/ sexual enhancement for men and women, physicians, law enforcement and the mental health community—and now in 2011, writers! (Though just between us, I have to admit I was a bit nervous writing BDSM For Writers… after all, here I was writing for the men and women whose work I love to read and who bring fantasy, romance, Sci-Fi and all those wonderful stories to life for me. I hope you enjoy my words as much as I do yours.)
Most people automatically assume BDSM is all about whips & chain. Is that true? What does BDSM stand for? Should everyone try it?
BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism. It also incorporates the aspects of Dominance and submission as well as Master/slave attributes. It is a way to share various aspects of yourself and your desires through the exchange of power—through dominance or submission with someone you trust and enjoy. The Power Exchange can be physical, sexual, or just service oriented.
Though most individuals may not realize it, there’s a little BDSM in their relationships already, they just don’t call it that. For example: Ever given your partner a hickey or received one? Ever playfully spanked your partner when they were naughty? Have you ever begged your partner to “do it harder” needing more intensity in your lovemaking? Believe it or not, these behaviors are all part of BDSM—of the Power Exchange.
Okay, I can see you shaking your heads. Here’s the “vanilla” correlation. That hickey you received or gave was a way to let everyone know you were taken or your lover belonged to you. That playful swat on the tush was a form of exerting dominance over another—not to mention the added thrill it caused because, well, you were being naughty! And needing more intensity in your lovemaking was a way of tapping into that primal aspect of yourself that is often hidden within. It’s ironic that many couples fight just so they can have “make-up sex”. The beauty about “make-up sex” is that it’s wild and aggressive and allows you to show your partner who’s boss and who they belong to—sounds a lot like BDSM to me. *smiles*
As for reading about BDSM and trying it, I think as adults it’s your right to explore all avenues of your sensuality, to educate yourself to become the best lover you can be, regardless of whether that’s D/s or Tantra or some other form of sensual awakening classes.
Look at it this way. You go to school to be the best at your chosen career, and take workshops to improve your craft or your life. Why not educate yourself in a field that will be with you forever—your sex life? That said, Dominance and submission is not for everyone. It is a personal choice individuals make. And it’s all about difference levels of participation.
Here’s a link to one of the workshops I conducted with writers last year at Authors After Dark, which I think you might enjoy. I explain a little more about BDSM and how it’s already in our daily lives.
What should writers of BDSM fiction focus on? How do writers convey the feelings and flavors associated with BDSM, especially if they’ve never tried it themselves? Do you think BDSM is something you must experience firsthand in order to convey it properly through words?
As writers, it’s paramount to keep in mind that some individuals may be experiencing their first taste of BDSM and Dominance/submission through your books. If the reader identifies within this unique mindset and has no other clue as to what it’s about, your book becomes the yardstick by which they’ll judge whether they’re “normal” or not. As for Kinksters who read your book(s), I personally think it’s always nice to see the men and women represented in a respectful light, and the villains and their pathological behavior distinguished from those who practice D/s with love, respect and honor.
Though it’s not necessary to have lived the lifestyle in order to write about it, understanding the emotional and psychological dynamics associated with the various interactions will help tremendously. Without it, you have a superficial novel that doesn’t really make sense since, let’s face it, no one wants someone to be mean to them. Thus, understanding how to seduce your submissive into accepting their pending capture is essential.
Portraying the dynamics of dominance and submission is a very delicate balancing act, and simply throwing a Whip into your story and calling it BDSM doesn’t come close. Most books on BDSM provide you with information on “how-to” do it—ie: how to throw a Whip, where to strike to avoid injury, how to play with candle wax etc. My book, BDSM For Writers, actually helps you understand why people engage in these activities. It explains why a submissive longs to surrender to his/her Master/Mistress. It reveals why a Dominant craves that intense sense of commitment, of completion, that only a submissive’s true surrender can give them.
Understanding this unique mindset will breathe life into your D/s novels and have readers returning to you over and over, craving your erotic romances. They might even try to chain you to your desk!
BDSM For Writers opens the door, pulls back the “Leather Curtain”, and shows you the truth about what Dominance and submission really is. If you’re writing in this particular genre it’s a must-have resource book.
I want to take a moment to thank you all for being with me today and sharing your comments and posing your questions. I also want to thank Gracie for allowing me to share some of my knowledge with you all. Please feel free to visit my website(s) for further information about BDSM whether from the perspective of a writer or reader.
Live with passion,
Dr. Charley Ferrer
Thank you so much for agreeing to be here and talk with us! I really appreciate it.
Dr. Charley’s made herself available over the next couple of days to answer any questions you might have, so don’t be shy. Along with everything else she does she also provides private counseling and mentoring, so I doubt very much if anything we ask is going to be new to her. If you have specific problems in your Work In Progress, or even general ones, please share them in the comments.
Don’t be concerned if your comment doesn’t go up immediately–I’m in New Zealand and Dr. Charley’s in the USA so there might be a little time lapse between questions and answers.
NOTE: The answers won’t be next to the questions–you’ll need to scroll down in the comments.
Don’t forget that Dr. Charley’s BDSM For Writers and BDSM The Naked Truth are both available through her website or Smashwords and Kindle.
Let us know what you think in the comments.
Popularity: 58%
Tags: Sex on the Page
September 6th, 2011 at 07:00
I read Dr. Charley’s book in one night (BDSM for writers) as I prepared to finish a trilogy that has a D/s element (more psychological than anything else). It has proven invaluable especially the “writers checklist” for characters.
thanks!
Liz
September 6th, 2011 at 10:50
Hi Gracie, and welcome to RSW Dr.Charley!
What an absolutely fascinating post. I checked out the Authors After Dark link too.
I’m a fan of author, Joey W.Hill and her Nature of Desire series. Her stories involve BDSM and are intense (aka hot emotionally). While there are graphic descriptions of the acts of BDSM, JWH tends to focus on the emotional and this (I think) is the reason behind why her stories are so appealing.
Dr.Charley, I’m curious to understand the psyche/emotional needs behind a D/s couple, could you explain this in more detail? Do couple switch between both roles or are they one or the other?
And (besides your books *grin*) do you have any suggestions for other reference material/resources that would help writers understand the dynamics involved?
Thanks!
September 6th, 2011 at 11:21
Dr Charley – thank you for coming to Gracie’s site. I’ve discovered how very much the sexual attraction and response of protagonists to each other aids the rounding of their characters. I’ll be purchasing your work as I’m sure your books will prove most useful in this respect. Do you have anything to add regarding this?
regards,
Pamela.
September 6th, 2011 at 11:34
I too would like to know about whether people have natural D/s roles, and whether they can and do switch those roles. Whether they’d be fulfilled (emotionally as much as anything else) out of doing that?
And thank you for a fascinating interview.
Thanks,
Kendra
September 6th, 2011 at 12:37
Fascinating post! Like Kylie I too think of Joey W. Hill with the BDSM scene, she does it so well.
Dr Charley’s book sounds like an invaluable resource.
September 6th, 2011 at 12:44
Hi Dr Charley,
My question is this.
If you have a man who wanks 2-3 times a day, but can’t engage with a woman sexually, can he ever be ’sorted out’? By the way, he professes not to be gay.
Thanks
Liz
September 6th, 2011 at 13:05
Oh, and another question, Dr.Charley, something Gracie & I were discussing a couple of weeks ago about alpha/beta male characters in books as well as in real life.
We were wondering if it was possible to have a true alpha male (with all the inherent characteristics of one) in a romance novel and still get that HEA for both characters or, if in real life, can a couple truly be happy together? Does it have something to do with relationship dynamics?
Can BDSM behaviours be linked to personality types?
September 6th, 2011 at 13:44
Another question from me too.
We always think of the submissive I think – and the trust they have in their dom. (How exposed they are). But surely in a lot of ways the dominant is equally open in these moments. Can you explain that a bit please.
Kendra
September 8th, 2011 at 15:18
Hi Liz,
Thank you for that marvelous description of my book, BDSM FOR WRITERS. I look forward to reading your book once it’s available. Best of luck with it.
Live with passion,
Dr. Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 17:55
Hi Kylie,
I’m pleased you enjoyed the article. I’m so happy Gracie invited me to speak with you all and also the articles for RSW. Maybe next year I can join you for your conference. I’ve never been to New Zealand. You’re the furthers around the world I’ve been. Smiles.
I too love Joey W. Hill’s books. You’re correct it is her emotional connection and her realistic depiction of the D/s dynamics that makes her books great! Personally I love her Vampire Queen’s Servant book—love Dominant woman/submissive men stories. I must admit I’m really proud of the fact that Joey wrote the “Forward” for BDSM FOR WRITERS.
As for couples switching roles—NO, that does not occur in a Master/slave relationship. These types of relationships are very structured and if you reversed the roles, the slave would be affected adversely and might even feel betrayed by their Master (Mistress). Also, the slave might actually decide to leave the relationship all together and find a Master (Mistress) who can be true to their station. In an M/s relationship, reversing roles is the equivalent of telling your children they can spank you when they think you’re bad. This is a major mistake I see with authors who don’t really understand the dynamics of D/s.
Now in a Dominant/submissive relationship (which the structure may not be as intense as the M/s relationship–keep in mind there are different levels of relationships) if both parties are Switches “to begin with”, they might interchange their roles. However, if they are not both Switches, it’s very rare that the Dominant would submit.
The thing to remember when writing your stories is that a Dominant does not “think” nor make the same emotional connections that a submissive does!
I strongly recommend any author trying to understand the dynamics of D/s—especially if they’re dedicated to their craft and want to know the truth behind the emotional and psychological connections people make in this uniquely erotic and emotionally intense Lifestyle—read BDSM FOR WRITERS. It’s actually the only book I know of that has taken this approach. (Ok, I’m not just saying that because it’s my book, but because of the hundreds of books I’ve read on the topic.) The majority of the books on BDSM teach you “how-to” —how-to use candle wax, how-to throw a whip, etc. BDSM FOR WRITERS teaches you WHY a submissive wants to feel the Whip and WHY the Dominant wants to place their mark on the submissive. The only other book I’ve read that come close to addressing the emotional perspective in this manner is Gloria Brame’s book, Different Kind of Loving. It’s a jumbo book (700+ pages) which covers lots of aspects of BDSM. Also Greenery Press has a long list of how-to/BDSM books. In BDSM FOR WRITERS, I provide a list of several resource books I highly recommend reading which depict different aspects of BDSM that would help make your stories thrive.
BTW, I’m doing a BDSM FOR WRITERS – Character/Scene Analysis workshop on September 13 & 21 with Savvy Authors where we will address scenes & characters and you’ll learn how to correct or enhance these scenes and characters. Here’s the link: http://www.savvyauthors.com/vb.....entid=1096
Plus I’m hoping to do more BDSM workshops for Basics & Advanced soon and have recordings made up as well. Keep checking with SA and my website for more info. Or contact me directly at doctorcharley@bdsmforwriters(dot)com.
Hope that helps.
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 18:06
Pamela,
When writing BDSM stories it’s not merely the sexual attraction that is key but how the protagonists interact. It is their willingness to surrender and take control. Without this you DO NOT have a D/s story.
The easiest example I can give on this is: Any idiot can scream. However, not everyone can surrender. Not everyone can take control and seduce their partner into accepting pain or emotional discomfort.
There is a balance that a Dominant and a submissive bring into each other’s life. Understanding this delicate balance is what will make your stories great and have readers chaining you to your desk so you can give them more.
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 18:21
Hi Kendra:
D/s roles are like the Kinsey Scale of sexuality. You have those that are at the total left (we’ll call that the Dominant side) and those that are at the total right (we’ll call that the submissive side); and then you have those in the middle (we’ll call that the switches fence).
Most people will fall to one side of the scale or another. That’s their comfort zone. That’s their identity. Though you might try swinging to the opposite side to see what it’s like and understand a little better, you’ll always swing back to your “side” of the scale because that’s what’s natural for you. And though there is a slight continum most people stick to their side.
Chuckles…ok I think I just developed the Kinky Scale.
As for being fulfilled emotionally—if you’re not true to yourself and you’re identity, you’ll never find inner peace–just as in anything else in life. Switching who you are from Dominant or submissive only happens in stories. *smiles*
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 18:24
Hi Mel,
I’d love to hear your thoughts on my book once you’ve read it. *smiles*
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 18:31
Hi Liz,
I would wonder why he’s not engaging with women. I would think perhaps trust issues? Also, self-pleasure alleviates stress and you don’t have to talk or be engaging. Then there’s the question of feelings of inadequacies, STD/STI’s, desire, self-esteem, etc.
Yes, he can be “sorted out”. I’d recommend seeing a Sex Therapist not just a general psychotherapist. There is a major difference between the two.
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 18:36
Kylie,
I think I’m missing something in your question. Can an Alpha male have a HEA? Yes. Can a alpha male who’s submissive have a HEA? Most definitely!
BDSM behaviors are in all personality types. There really isn’t one personality type that is predominantly submissive or Dominant.
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 18:45
Ah Kendra, I do so love your question!
So often the Dominant is overlooked in their emotional needs and in the fact that at times it is hard for them to be open or even domineering. At times, as a Dominant, you not only push your submissive over the edge, but you push yourself a well. And yes, it is scary at times and you might even “question” yourself, have doubts, insecurities, feel emotionally exposed and vulnerable, etc.
However, you don’t use your submissive as your sounding board. You find a mentor. Another Dominant to help you through it. To help you feel “balance” again so you can be vulnerable with your submissive in a constructive way and be able to guide you both to the next level.
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 18:53
Thank you all for your questions. And thank you, Gracie for inviting me.
I’ll keep checking back for more questions through the end of the week. Plus next week I’m doing a weeklong discussion with Sexis Magazine on BDSM where you can ask even more questions. Look for the link on my website http://www.bdsmforwriters.com
If anyone would like to do an interview with me or on my website, please let me know.
I really look forward to talking more. Please feel free to read my book, BDSM FOR WRITERS and tell me what you think. I’d also love your assistance in spreading the word. Not only for BDSM FOR WRITERS but the version for the general public (your readers) as well – BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH. The way I look at it is, if you educate your readers in BDSM, they’ll come looking for more of your stories on D/s.
Have a SPANKALICIOUS night.
Doctor Charley…
September 8th, 2011 at 21:22
Dr.Charley, thank you so much for answering my questions in depth. Such valuable, valuable information. So much so, I’ve put in an order for BDSM FOR WRITERS – LOL – understanding the mind set is paramount and you have definitely tweaked my curiousity to see the mind sets behind such characters (in terms of fictional books).
Just a couple of clarifications – curiousity stirring again
– you mentioned in your answer: “The thing to remember when writing your stories is that a Dominant does not “think” nor make the same emotional connections that a submissive does!” Could you perhaps give an example of a situation and explain the two different thought process/emotional connections that might occur?
And in Kendra’s answer: “However, you don’t use your submissive as your sounding board. You find a mentor. Another Dominant to help you through it.” How would another D do this? Again, if a practical example might help I’d be interested to learn about this.
Thanks also for that reference list! I suspect (after I’ve read it) I’m going to suggest they buy your book.
Gracie, again, thanks for inviting Dr.Charley to your blog (and for including her in a couple of H2H interviews)! Great info!
September 9th, 2011 at 02:04
Hi Kylie,
Your comment was such a great thing to see first thing this morning. Thank you. And yes, many thanks to Gracie for inviting me here and to H2H. I’m so pleased to have the opportunity to share.
(I use Female Dominant examples, the same is true for male Dominants.)
Ok, taking your 2nd question first. Making a “vanilla” connection that would be easier to understand. A mother would never ask her child to help her discipline him or raise him; she would instead turn to another adult to gain knowledge and further understanding in her role as a parent and ways to help her child grow; as well as ways to discipline her child when he’s inappropriate. Same thing with a Dominant. They would turn to another Dominant with questions and assistance/guidance. A slave/sub can show you the basics if they’re experienced, however they can’t reassure you that you’re not “bad” just because you want to push your slave over the edge, or because you had to discipline the slave. And they don’t have the emotional connections Dominants have, which brings us to your first question; the emotional and psychological connections being different.
A Dominant and submissive approach D/s from separate ends of the pond, the end result is a mutual sharing of the situation—a Spanking for example, but the reasons they’re doing it and the emotional connections are vastly different. For the slave, it can be that receiving a spanking shows his Master/Mistress cares about him and is willing to touch him and give him the affection/connection he needs to help him feel loved and accepted. For the Dominant (Master/Mistress), it would be the fact that She can leave her mark on his tush and he’ll be able to see it for a few hours, a day or so. Because of the emotional connection made, if you were to reverse the roles, the slave might feel guilty or unsettled to be spanking his Master/Mistress, and the Dominant might feel bored or indifferent at receiving one.
I’ll provide another example tonight if anyone wishes. However due to time constraints, I have to rush of to work.
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley….
September 9th, 2011 at 17:14
Doctor Charley,
Thank you for answering my questions. Its been great to have a forum to ask these questions openly (so thanks to Gracie too).
And like Kylie, your book has just gone down on the ‘to buy’ list.
Thanks again,
Kendra
September 10th, 2011 at 12:05
Thank you again for answering my questions, Dr.Charley!
Gracie, it’s been an informative week having Dr.Charley here, thanks for inviting her!
September 10th, 2011 at 16:42
It’s been lovely having Dr. Charley here to talk and share her expertise. Many, many thanks, Dr. Charley.
For those of you who’ve come, read, asked questions… thanks for taking part. I know you’ve learned heaps and that your work will profit hugely!
Gracie